An Undisciplined Mind

There are days when my mind seems to overflow with distractions. I continue to state this problem because it keeps recurring. On some days I seem to exert a great deal of effort to contemplate, yet I encounter numerous distractions, nothing clears my mind, my focus seems exceptionally blurred. And on other days I enter the world of silence without too much difficulty.

On a day when it is difficult to find quietness within, I seem to be the same person as before. I go about my prayer in much the same way, but I never get to the Center; my mind never settles down; I cannot find that place of inner calm. I have been a follower of Christ long enough, however, not to put much stock in a distracted day. My relation to him does not depend upon a beautiful time of quiet contemplation. He is in me and I am in him through his act of exceptional love. I am united with him despite my lack of focus. Even though I know this, another side of my psyche often erupts with musings and questions that trouble me.

A small trickle of fear begins to ooze through the sidewall of my soul. As I watch it, the trickle begins to gush with doubt clothed in questions. Is this notion that I as a human being (and not a choice one in my estimate) can be joined to God real? Is it true or merely the rationalized longing of a finite soul destined to perish? Does a person like me seek God in contemplation as a protection against the terror of extinction?Or, why would a person spend a lifetime learning about God and seek to forget it at the end of life?

I do not hear these questions – not any of them. I do not quake in view of their sharp penetration into my soul. When these questions come in the aftermath of a hard day at contemplation's court, I know with everything in me that I have been called to this path, and there is no other way for me to go!