March 24, 1994

I have been trying to write about this new relation with God that I do not understand. My sense is that all of the restraints have fallen down -- like the rule that Have had to live by have become very flexible or they have disappeared altogether. When I say this I do not mean that I think that adultery is alright or that I am tempted to have an affair with another woman. I do not mean that lying is now the proper way to present oneself. It seems to be deeper down than these specific commandments. It seems to me that deep down within me there is a unity of all things and that as I come closer to that unity that the diversity tends to disappear and all things become one. I do not understand this. I do not know if this is the guidance of the Lord of if it is the diminishment of old age. Strange thing about it. I do not feel alarmed; I feel no nee to grab to old ways of seeing for security or comfort.

I have wondered if this is liberation. Is God liberating me from all the old criteria that tell me who I am and how I am to be in the world? In some sense when I lose my props whether they are spiritual practices, faith articles, and human relationships, then I have only God. God alone do I seek. God alone do I need for it is God alone to whom I go and with whom I will be forever.

Another way of thinking about this new shift in my soul is that of openness -- openness to all persons, to all experience, to the beauty and glory of the new creation. All of life is sacred. The events and occurrences of this day are bearers of the divine; God is with me and in me as I seek to live this day.

Yet another issue comes forth. Why is it that as I struggle with this new way of being in the world, I sometimes find myself wondering if You Are? Where are you? Why do You make Yourself so hard to find? Then the thought comes to me, does it matter if God is or God is not? I can ponder this question at the moment without feeling greatly alarmed.

I am not letting myself be seduced into believing that it does not matter whether God is or is not. I believe that to be one of the subtle temptations of the devil. Perhaps it is a temptation that is characteristic of this stage of my journey. I have never had to deal with such as thought before. As I continue to live before You, it seems that the temptations become more subtle and pernicious.

Is it possible that the thin lines between spirit/matter, God/Devil, faith/unfaith, and closeness/nearness begin to blur when You become all in all. For all my journey I have wanted life and faith to be one, my soul and you to be one and as it seems to be taking place in some small degree, I feel confused; I wonder if this is what it means for me to grow up in Jesus.

March 27, 1994

I have been thinking about the idea of being in a new place -- a new spiritual territory and what this feels like to a person. What has occurred to me is that the language of the new culture changes. I must learn to speak again. This speech in the spiritual realm is normally called prayer. Prayer, then, changes in this new place.

What I am finding in the new place is the direction to "look." "Look unto me and be saved all the ends of the earth." Looking does not seem like much of a language but maybe in this place it does not require words to communicate. Perhaps, there is an instant transfer of data or reality or relationship. My major task in this place is to be present to the Reality of God, to listen to the direction of the Spirit.

All this silence, listening and looking feels awkward and strange to me at this stage of introduction. I face the question of whether this is self-deception and a way of wandering away from the true work of prayer. I do not at this point know the answer to this question. All I know to do is to follow the best guidance I have as the Teacher shows me how to communicate in this place. I am confident that as the journey unfolds I will learn how to "be" in this new place.

My prayer to you, O God, "Guide me along the pathway and show me how to be a faithful believer in this place at this time in my journey. I know that you are at work in my life. I see your hand. I know your closeness on many occasions. It seems that your voice is heard through me. I get messages from you to stop feeling futility, to quit condemning myself, to let my soul accept the blessings of the Spirit. All this comes to me and sounds like your voice so I will continue on the journey until you show me that I have taken the wrong road. So much of my walk with you seems to indicate that I am learning to live by faith, to trust your wisdom, to become confident of our Goodness and Mercy, and to live more relaxed in your presence. I very much want to learn this."

March 29,1994

I always enjoy writing in my journal on this day. It is the day of my new birth. Forty-seven years ago Jesus Christ came into my life, into my consciousness with his love and power. He forgave me my sins and he has been in the steady unfolding of my life ever since. All is different for me because he has come.

Today I thank you for my life, thank you for being part of my life from those dim years of adolescence until this very day. You have made yourself real to me in the providence of my life, in the imagination of my heart and in the deeds of my hands. You have worked through me in ways that I did not and do not recognize but nevertheless you are there in a powerful way making your will come to pass. I thank you.

As I set out on the journey for the 48th year, I pray that some of the weaknesses in Melissa can be overcome -- my passions for food and sex or often too controlling. My fear of losing my sexual potency as I grow older is always with me. I wish that I knew how to surrender this drive to you in a way that it is not so powerful in my life. How many times have I prayed to you about food -- you know!

I am on a serious and dangerous journey with YOU. I know that as I move beyond the limits that you will be there to guide me but when there are no sign-posts for me I feel alone and frightened. I do not wish to use my own experience as the final test of truth -- to do so is dangerous and open to self-deception. How much I need your guidance and help.

In my external world much is happening. I am in the process of working out the details for an associate in evangelism who will free me from the tasks that Have been tied to for these last 14 years. This persons will teach courses in evangelism and I will mentor him into the new role of the professor of evangelism at CTS.

In my world I have my 4th grand child -- Zachary Dean Larson -- he was born on Walter's birthday. I pray for Greg and Ginger that they will get these children into church and sunday school.

In my work world I am having a good time mentoring Nancy as she develops as an editor. She has many gifts and is competent in so many ways. I wonder how it will turn out in the future as she takes on responsibility at CTS Press.

Harriett has been with me for 27 years. It is hard to beieve that she has been here so long and has given so much to my ministry. She seems to derive much out of my life and travel. She always wants to know aboaut where we have been and what experiences Nan and I have had.

I have worked out a deal with the Dean Jim H-B to have virtually a sabbatical for next year. I will teach in January and July and a class in the Fall of 1995. This will leave me free to write and travel, it I wish.

April 4, 1994

Today I was in Skaneaples, N. Y. for a time of supervision of the students who are working with me in using the directives for spiritual direction. I believe that they are learning much from their conversations with members of the church. I have had a good time talking with the and viewing their progress. In spite of the temptations to doubt, to question the whole idea of direction, and the issue of God truly at work in the work in the world, I see their learning more and more about how to be with persons on their journeys. At some point this time of testing will be over and I will recognize the demon for what he is and I swill move on in peace.

Today I was especially impressed with an encounter with Ginny. She is the woman who began betting a divorce this past Christmas. I called her when she was in the midst of the struggle. She seemed surprised. Just recently she has been on a three-week trip with Roy Oswald who led a junket to the Himalayas. When they went outside the country, the usual boundaries and the normal ways of defining oneself were lost. It was like a pilgrimage. She experienced the search for a clear identity and the realization of new community and she and a dozen other persons made the trip into the mountains.

She described her relation with one of the persons that she is directing. This person is filled with anger. She is taking snippets at Ginny in every meeting. She does not know why. Numerous suggestions came from the group. None of them seemed to match for Ginny. She related how she had had a time getting everything on the table by asking this woman over to her house. It did not work. A member of the church keeps calling her and saying you should talk with Nancy because she is angry at you. Sometimes she complies and sometimes she does not. Why on earth would a woman who is mad with you come to you for spiritual direction.??":

As I listened to her speak, I began to wonder what the relation had been before she had begun the direction experience. She said that they had been close, she had talked with her a lot and that this woman had revealed herself to her soon after she came to be the pastor. I asked her if she had revealed things that she subsequently could be ashamed of? She said that she had. Even things that could be destructive and highly destructive and very vulnderable.

I then suggested that this woman might be vulnerable, that she may have revealed too much and was afraid. If you know things that can destroy her and she has no recourse but fear, then she may be angry with you. "Anger springs from fear." And you may wish to let her know that she is safe with you.

How? I think that if you cast this in the life=line of her life\\\\story. Ask her to do a spiritual autobiography. Somewhere in that story it will come to this vulnerability. Then you can say something like, "How does it make you feel to know that you have someone who is as protective of your treasure as you are?' Let her know indirectly that you are protecting her secret.

Then, you may wish to help her image that you are her champion by letting her imagine what it is like to have someone who loves and respects you enough to let you tell whatever you need to tell without ever being afraid that she willl be betrayed and destroyed. Let her ruminate on this idea.

Remember, you are dealing with an irrational problem and not a rational one. You must confront it with irrational or suprarational resources like the imagination. All these suggestions seemed to click with "Ginny" and she began to think how she could do it. This seemed to me a "showing" of the hand of the Lord.

April 5, 1994

Dear God, when I sit down to pray why do I come to you with feelings of guilt, like every time I pray I need to seek your mercy and forgiveness? Why do I always look back over my life and see the blemishes that need to be healed or smoothed out? I do not know.

What would it mean, O God, to come to you as a man-child, one who is known by you, loved by you and yet knows his limits as a human? Truly it seems to me that there is a place to meet you as a loving, faithful servant of yours, a place that accepts me as I am, that loves me and I love you.

Am i reaching for a new place? Is there a place of "being" in and with you that is free from these barnacles that I have picked up through the years? is the silence of God that I seem to know much of today actually an invitation to get up and to get out of this place that I have known from the beginning of my pilgrimage?

If this is true, what is the new posture before you? Here I am, a man made in the image of God -- with the capacities to know God, to love God, and to respond to the voice of God. This is who I am, a creature made for God to participate with God in his plan for the world.

As I begin this day, let the presence of your Spirit lead me. May my thoughts be of you. May I see you in everything and everyone today. Let my heart be filled with love for those I meet, so much love that it will drive out the critical, judgmental spirit. May evil be overcome in me this day.

The things for which I pray today: for mother, for CTS, for Chris as he seeks to mature and take responsibility for his life; for Phil and Martha who called to have lunch with us today; for Harriette and Nancy and their work; for George Wirth and his seeking for you; for the ministry of the Monastery of the Holy Ghost -- Augustine, Bernard, Francis, and Anthony.

I see your hand at work in the creation of the Center for Christian Spirituality. You are opening doors and making possible many things that I have only dreamed of. When it actually comes to pass I find it hard to believe what my eyes actually see!

Make me a faithful, loving servant of yours this day.

April 13, 1994

AT THE MONASTERY OF THE HOLY GHOST!

Here I am again at the place of prayer. I feel so tired today. I do not know why but I think the extra weight and the lack of sleep is part of the tiredness.

I have once again been reading Brother Carlo. He speaks to me. Being dead, he still speaks. He speaks of the God who is, who comes, who is always coming to us in the cosmos, in history, in the events of our lives and in our consciousness of the days that we live.

As I come here today I am still pondering this major shift, this habit of consciousness that I hope to find a way through. I have the habit of approaching You as if you are against me, my enemy or adversary. Yet, I do not believe that you are. I begin my prayer automatically as if I am wrong and you are judging me for the wrong in my life. I think of myself as a nobody whom you barely know or do not know at all. Instead I wish to think of myself as a child, your child, one whom you have created and redeemed for your own purposes.

I would like to come to you as a child like this, one whom you know and love. I would like to come to you as one who is learning how to be faithful rather than one who feels that he has fallen so far short of what ykou have intended. I would like to enter into your presence as one whom you have blessed fully, one to whom you have shown so much mercy and I am grateful, rather than one who is worldly and thoughtless of you as the Creator and the giver of all things.

If I am no servant of yours, if I am only interested in myself, and my success or security, make me know this. Take from me all that is a detriment to obedience to you. I know that my time upon the earth is short. I have much less time than I have had and this must be for your own glory. Make me the servant that you have called me to be.

---

I wish also to talk with you about another issue in my life with you. Where are you? I have for a long time prayed to you as "up there and out there." Then I have prayed to you in the image of Jesus. Also, I have prayed to you as presence outside me in the world and in the events of my life. But these do not seem satisfactory to me today.

I have heard from you in the lips of bible writers and in the words of my spiritual guides that I am to look for you inside, inside my consciousness, my being, my heart. In looking for you here in me, I am not identifying you with myself, with my feelings and my ideas but I am believing that you do at times manifest yourself to my consciousness through these created capacities.

But when it means for me to meet you inside myself does not have an image with it. I do not picture you in some corner of my soul. Neither do I have an image of what "presence" means. You are within me with a clearness and definiteness that defies words or images.

If I cannot picture you and if I cannot locate you in a place, does it mean that you are not there? Of course not. Rather it means that "presence" is beyond image and place. Presence means that your pure being is here inside me intertwined with my own being -- my being, your being facing each other except my being is a dependent being existing only because of your being. You give being to my being and yet your are very interested in my being and my being face to face with your being, but not all of your being.

So when I pray, I am in the presence of the "I AM" who creates and sustains my being. But the truth reaches far beyond the mere state of being! I am before you as a creature that is loved. You have bestowed upon me and all your creatures your unconditional love. We, I, am loved not because of anything that I have done, nor can do but because of the generosity of your nature to love.

I do not know why I resist this love with my natural inclinations to think of myself as needing to prove, earn, beg or manipulate your love. Here I must be falling back into patterns that I learned long ago with my mother and father. By some mighty act of grace that I do not understand, by the mystery of your presence heal me of this false image of relating to you, purge the memory of how I learned to relate to mother and open me up to reception, to passively letting you be all that you wish to me without my closing any door or rejecting any part of your abundant love.

How very much I would like to learn how to love in this openness!

But if I am to claim this for myself, I cannot deny it to any of your creatures. This is how it is between you and all creation. So I cannot judge others for their lack of perception of this central reality. I cannot alienate any person from myself because this love is a bonding agent for all creatures. This reality sends me forth to learn the way of love, to love all these creatures of yours with the kind of love that you are extending to me.

Perhaps it is an axiom that "we are loved by God with the love with which we love others." It is true because we cannot believe that we are loved any more than our gauges will let us love others.

I know that on days like today when I am really looking deep within myself and praying earnestly to you, I see this as the way that I wish to love. Tomorrow I will be slipping back into an old rut and forgetting that you are in me and that you are calling me into a relation of total acceptance with Yourself. Hold me steady in this conviction.

April 23, 1994

For this week I have been engaged with the 7th seating of the Thompson Scholars. These men and women have come from all over the nation and are giving themselves to the study and fellowship that is so characteristic of this group. I believe that good things are happening to hem as it does every time.

I am today at Rock Eagle leading the Presbytery Women of North Georgia. There are 284 of them. Last night was a good beginning. I had a lot of energy in speaking to them and they seemed very responsive to the things that I had to say. Thank you.

Today, I must give 3 talks -- two back to back. I feel some pressure to speak that long to the same group. I feel a need for the presence of the Spirit. Lord, Grant me that sense of your presence and power within that will enable me to talk with these children of yours with a confidence and conviction that will inspire their faith in you and help them to become better disciples of yours.

May 12, 1994

I cannot believe that it has been nearly one month since I wrote in my journal, but it has. I have been with the Thompson scholars another week, then one week with the new D. Min in Spty and now the week following. Time has been filled with new things and challenges.

I am feeling very affirmed about the D. Min in Spty. We had 17 persons enroll in the program -- two had to drop out at the last minute and one was rejected from the program. I have a folder filled with names that have an interest in the program and in coming into it the next time that we have a core seminar.

In the evaluation of the Core, I received very high marks. I guess in part this is because I was with the group everyday and planned with them their papers and led them in worship and facilitated the whole process. Yet, I do not wish to minimize my teaching ability and the contribution that I made to them intellectually.

This seminar comes after several years of planning and dreaming. I recall walking the streets of Cambridge and thinking about the beginning of the D. Min. Now, the dream has come about. It is a reality.

O God, I believe that you put this in my hart when I was in the desert in 1987 -- that is now 8 years ago. I can hardly believe that these years have gone so fast. I suppose that I should consult my journal to find out what is next on the dream!

---

When I think about my own journey, there are several dominant things that come to me. First, it seems that more folk come to me for direction. This comes in a variety of ways -- phone calls, visits, letters, and specific requests for spiritual direction.

During this last month George Wirth came to me, wanted to have lunch. He spoke about his life getting out of control, about getting in a dark hole like he had been in when he was in Pittsburgh. Somehow I thought that this dark hole might have to do with a woman. It has not come up yet but it may yet come up. Whatever, he needs understanding and prayer. I need your help to discern what is going on with George and to be able to walk with him into this experience. After the lunch, George and I decided to meet three times this summer. Today he is coming for the second directional meeting.

Loving Creator who has come in Jesus and in the Spirit to reveal what is real, come now into my mind and into my heart and let your spirit show me what is the way, the truth, and the light for George and my relationship. I hold him here in the stream of light, the light that shines undarkened from you. Shine into George's mind; illuminate his memory of your greatness in times past and in the way into the future.

A second thing that has remained with me during the last few months has been the assurance that you are in me. When I speak with you, the thing that keeps coming back to me is to pay attention to You in me. The location of your presence has shifted from the One "out there" to the One in "here." You know that I fear some of this subjective awareness because it too easily identifies the Holy Spirit with the human spirit and I know that not to be the case.

How am I to understand "You in me?" "I am the life of your life. I am the beginning and the End. Your beginning and end is still with in me. Own who you are in all your uniqueness -- you are a creation of mine and I choose to manifest myself through you in unique ways like the refraction of light through a prism. Come more deeply into your own uniqueness and I am there to meet you and to manifest myself to you and through you. Yes, grand me courage O Lord!' I have not made you like anyone else and my purposes for you are not to be compared with nor contrasted with those of any other servant of mine. You are no better or worse, just as all my creations have a unique role to play in the spectrum of the Kingdom. Learn to be content with your gifts of imagination, creation, vision, motivation, and energy. Others have gifts also that make my Kingdom beautiful and workable.'

My prayer: "I am before you, dear Father. Thank you for the sense of your love, your consolation in this moment. Great is your name. Let me now bow in reverence before your greatness. Holy, holy, holy is the name of he Lord.' O God, I do not know how to deal with your servant George Telford. He seems to have a deep sense of his self- importance and the willingness to use me for his own purposes. I do not resist this when it is also what I believe you want from me and for the kingdom. But his brash ways of intruding into things bothers me, like his almost demand that he be included in the trip to Israel with the Cousins. I do not know where he is, he hides in his office, is inaccessible and guarded. Please open the way for me to enter into the darkness of his life and be present to him in your name. I have no need to change George, but I cannot let him bully me. He is not easy to work with.

Today Doug and I will have lunch with Frank Harrington. We will deal with the new position in evangelism, with my teaching spty, with Frank's concern. It will come up about his being on the committee to select the next associate in evangelism. You are in all of us. Give us patience to walk into this meeting with faith and the confidence that you are with us.

I pray for those who work with me -- Nancy and Harriette and Greg. Be with them. I pray for Nan, wife, friend, lover, and companion.

I need your help in relating to Ginger about the baptism of Zachary. I want him to be baptized. I want him to be in the covenant of Christ but I am unwilling to proceed until I have some assurance of their commitment to do what they say they will do. It makes a mockery of the holy act of Baptism. I am sorry for my complicity in the two other baptisms

Today, I think of Dean and Lois -- what they have done for me, how they have included me in their dreams for the future, what little I have been able to give to them for their investment in me. O merciful God I would like to be with them in deeper ways, in more supportative ways, in mediating your Spirit to them.

---

Last Sunday Chris graduated from College of Charleston. I recall the day he was born, the next week I was running track at the YMCA and thinking that I would be 62 years old when he graduated from college. That has been a long time ago but in my memory it has gone so quickly. Yet in that time I have divorced his mother, married Nan, received Christ into our home, walked with him through the teen-years and now have seem him graduate from college. Thank you, God!

As I look ahead, I have one more week before Commencement. In this week I must get all my grades in, get ready to go to China, make a trip to Lubbock Texas, and Syracuse N. Y. I do need to get focused on the important things before I leave. Some things that I need to get done:

1. Write a report to those who are supporting the Spty work
2. Finish all hanging decisions -- books, grades, and appointments.
3. Commit Chris to you.

THE JERUSALEM REPORT

On June 27th Nan, Rebecca, and I flew to Tel Aviv to explore the possibility of setting up a Study/Pilgrimage for 20 ministers at Tantur.

In preparation for this trip we had been in contact with Dr. Ken Bailey who teaches at Tantur and Fr. Tom Stransky who directs The Ecumenical Centur at Tantur. Tantur is an old site in Jerusalem on the south side. It is the place of a former monastery. The site itself is perhaps 10,000 years old.

Before we arrived at Tantur in conversation with Tom and Ann Cousins we had thought of this trip as an exploration of the place and the possibilities for a Study/Pilgrimage for ministers. We had the idea that the three of us would get the lay of the land, the possibilities, and that we would plan with Ken Bailey and Fr. Stransky the kind of program that we wanted. After this preliminary plan was developed we expected to test it out by taking 10 or 12 persons to Israel for 10 days.

Our first hand experience of Tantur shifted these plans somewhat. The resons for the shifts are as follows:

1. Tantur has been involved in developing their specific program for 10 or 12 years. They have worked out many of the bugs in such a program.
2. Their program includes staff, timing, arrangements, lecturers -- when we saw what they have already worked out it seemed foolisg to us to reinvent the wheel.
3. In addition to these facts, we were invited to participate in the program that we presently in progress. There were ministers and lay persons for England, U. S., New Zealand, Australia, and one or two other countries. These persons had been in session for a week when we got there. To a person, they were all excited about what they had been experiencing. The three days of our involvement with the group confirmed for us what they had said about the quality, pacing, and content of the program.
4. Also, we found that Tantur is quite full. We cannot go there and take any week or three weeks that we desire. Our program wuld have to fit into their program
5. The facilities at Tantur are adequate without being elaborate -- private or shared rooms, private or shared bath, apartments (8 or 10) for residents with children.
6. The price of our stay was $45 for a single and $70 for a couple with meals included.

Tentative decisions that we made in conversation with Fr. Stransky and Ken Bailey.

1. That we would bring 18 persons to Tantur from January 15, 1995 (departure day to arrive at Tantur on the 16th), to February 2. (Day of departure.)
2. That we would receive a proposed schedule for Stransky by July 8th. We would have an opportunity to look over the schedule and make or request additions or changes.
3. That on January 16 we would join a group that has already made reservations for Tantur at that time. This will be an ecumenical group from all over the world. (We could have decided to go immediately after the first of the year but we would have missed the ecumenical group and we also would not have had Ken Bailey as an instructor. Both of these elements we felt were important for our first experience.)
4. Because the other group will have separate transporation, we will have our own mini-bus and guide when we go to various sites. So the CTS group will interact with the ecumenical group and share lectures with them at Tantur but when we make site visits we will have our own bus and guide. This will be a better experience because too large a group makes communication difficult.
5. We still want to take one faculty member from CTS on the trip but not as a lecturer. In conversation with Bailey and Stransky it seemed best to use their staff who know the material and the aim of the center and merely use this as an exposure of our faculty to the learning experience.
6. We want to make "Pilgrimage" the central theme of our event. Perhaps we will call it "Pilgrimage to Jerusalem." In making this emphasis we will contrast pilgrimage with tourist. Persons for centures have gone on Pilgrimages to "holy places" and the reason for this has been to find a new source of life and renewal for their lives. We will be writing material to help persons prepare for this pilgrimage -- how to visit a site, the recall the facts, the imagine yourself present, to pray, to listen for God to speak through the memories that arise in each of these places.
7. Ken Bailey suggested that we might like to request a Christian Guide to go with us for 4 days in the Galilee. We will make this trek the first full week-end of our stay. The Ecumentical group will make this trip later.
8. We should look into insurane for the group -- like accident or death. If a persons dies there it will cost about $25,000 to get the body embalmed and shipped back to the states.
9. Security is intense when you leave Isreal. They interrogate your for 15 or 20 minutes. Rebecca was detained and even harassed by the interrogators.
10. I made a $500 deposit with Tantur to cover up-front costs of making arrangements, correspondence, facimilies, etc.
11. Initial projections of the cost at Tantur are between $80 and $100 per person per day. The larger figure would make our cost $1800 X 16 days or an estimated $28,800 plus transportation. If transportation can be arranged from $1200 per person that will be an additional $21,600. This total equals v $50,400. There will be additional charges for Taxis from Tel Aviv to Jerusalm and return (about $25 per person) $500. This total of about $51,000 should be taken as a rough estimate at this time but it is a fair estimate and I believe within the bounds of our budget/proposal.
12. Keep in mind that originally we projected 14 days and this cost is for 17 days.
13. Our "Do" List in the next 3 weeks:

-- decide on who to invite to participate in this first pilgrimage

(Idea: Tom and Ann Cousins, Doug and Claudia Oldenburg, Ben and Nan Johnson, Stan Saunders, --- to this basic group I would like for Tom and Ann to indicate 3 or 4 ministers they know, I would like to nominate 3 or 4 Thompson Scholars, and Doug/Rebecca nominate 3 or 4 Columbia graduates or D. Min. Candidates. If we have 25 persons to whom we write and more than 18 accept, we can defer them to the next year.

-- the letter of invitation should be sent over Oldenburg's signature. This will add importance to the pilgrimage and will help pomoste the seminary in the minds of those who receive this invitation. (letter needs to be written carefully)

-- a small brochure needs to be developed to go with the letter of invitation. We can desk-top publish it.

-- interested persons will be asked to make contact with Rebecca, director of the progam. She will send additional information.

-- participants will be asked to make application. This application form needs to be designed. (Why are you interested in a Jerusalem Pilgrimage? How will you use the learnings from this experience to renew the church? What is your understanding of the Hosts intention for this pilgrimage? Will you keep a journal of your experiences? When the trip is ended will your share selected portsions of your journal with the Director of the Pilgrimage for our records? What are your concerns about participation? Do you have any physical or psychological limitations that would prohibit your full participation in this pilgrimage? Do you need additional information before making your decision? Create a statement releasing CTS from all liability. Do you have health coverage that is good in another country? Do you have a valid passport? Write an opening paragraph to the application that states this is an "honor" program and not everyone will be invited to participate because of the limitation of funds but they have been specially chosen to make application for this Pilgrimage.

-- we expect to ask participants to pay $500 or $750. This indicates ssomething of the commitment they have.

-- participants will be asked to keep a journal and to send a summary of their learnings to CTS after they return home.

-- spouses may go on the next trip for the total cost of the program but for the initial experience we are not recommending spouses other than those noted above.

-- participants will be responsible for their own transportation to and from Atlanta.

-- need to get Academy Travel to work on the prince of ticketsl

-- when the applications arrive we need to meet as a selection committee to determine who will be accepted for this first pilgrimage.

September 19, 1994

AT THE MONASTERY OF THE HOLY GHOST

As I often do when I first come here I will begin with the question: What is going on in my life?"

As I survey the past three weeks these are the things that have consumed my time.

1. The last few days of August I spent on retreat with the faculty. These were good days of getting with the colleagues, thinking about the year's work, and getting myself ready for the Fall. I felt lots of resistance because I have enjoyed the Summer. Travel, relaxation, visits, golf and time with Nan have all been fun. Thanks be to God for the change of pace and the enjoyment.
2. Over Labor Day week end we spent lots of time with family. We were with the kids on Saturday and then golf on Sunday and Monday wit their coming over to the house for a cook out. We watched a little tennis and football. and the time was good.
3. During this time Bill Washburn got me on Presbynet and I began the meeting 95 THESES FOR TODAY. I am pleased at the response I have had to this idea. I think in part it is that someone is willing to put information into the system on a regular basis. Each week we are having about 100 notes written in to the meeting. I am fascinated with the potential of this medium for instruction. I will offer a class before the year is out.
4. I have begun classes. I am teaching 3 classes -- Baptism and Evangelical Identity, Evangelism and Mission, and Spiritual Formation for Clergy. These are consuming time and energy.
5. I am teaching in the Lay School this fall. This will require preparation and instruction for 4 nights in September. I plan to make this both lecture, discussion, and participation. I know that people do not learn to pray without praying.
6. I am traveling this Fall -- Gig Harbor, this week to Youngstown, Ohio and somewhere in Penn. Next week-end we will be going to L.A. and on to San Diego.
7. I have been in the process of planning for the Pilgrimage to Jerusalem. This trip with 20 clergy will be challenging and productive. The letters are out and we are waiting for replies.
8. About the future. I am dreaming about a group that will write a book on "Why Jesus?" This will be a companion to the other booklet -- "Consider Jesus!" And maybe a third, Jesus and the World. I would like to get Ron Cram into print and popularized with the church. Maybe he an write one of these little booklets.
9. Nan and I are on a weight loss program again! I have lost 17 pounds since September 6th. We plan to stay on the strict side for the month of September and then we desire to have food once each day and the supplement or fruit the other two meals. I have been so discouraged with myself. For a year I lived a disciplined life -- but all during that year there was still the urge to eat more and a restlessness when I was not eating. I do not know if there is any chance of healing or if it is a daily discipline to keep the addiction under control. My prayer is for help.
10. I should also include that I have been doing a great deal of work for Griffith. Board meetings, talks with Dean, getting ready for the salary review.

 SPIRITUAL REFLECTION

For this period of time I have been trying to learn, maybe learning is a better word, that you are in me, in my consciousness and in my life. This conviction is not heretical but it is new for me. I do not know why because I have spoken about you in me and I in you for a long time but it did not seem that the time was right -- now it is right perhaps.

Living with you in me has begun to change my vision in prayer. I am thinking of you here inside my consciousness. I do not think of you in the universe, far away the All but here inside my mind and consciousness. That seems to change everything -- how I open to you, how I speak to you in my mind, and the lack of words that i often have.

Gratitude is the only response. Thank you for being in me, with me, and using me for the purposes for which you called me.

Now, it seems to me that I should begin to see you more often in the events of my life. In the past most of this has been in retrospect -- I have seen you behind me in the happenings of the day. If I fellowship with you more often and more deeply as the Presence in me now, maybe I will be more aware of your coming to me in situational moments and maybe I can learn to respond to you with greater frequency and with stronger conviction. May it me.

One of the thoughts that has come to me -- I notice that this sense of you in me has come at a time when I am getting more comfortable with myself. In the last period about which I am writing I have become more comfortable with being Ben Johnson, servant of Christ. Ben Johnson is a creation of God and the potential that is unfolding out of my life is a gift from you. And, the manner of this unfolding has been in part a response to the providence of my life. As I reflect I see . . .

A small rural boy who was terribly insecure and believed that he was of little value and you were knowing and loving him all the way to adulthood.

I see role models you put in my life that gave me concrete models of the faith -- people who prayed and believed in you and the way of love and forgiveness (and an escape from the world too.)

I see the breaking down of my providential life by going away to Kentucky to school.

I see the marriage to Betty as a mistake and maybe a violation of your will for me and lack of trust in you. But through that error you made me to see myself and forced me to change in ways that I might never have changed if my life had been happy with a woman who loved me and supported me in my old visions.

I see Nan as a gift of grace. What a blessing to be loved and free of conflict, suspicion, and loneliness.

In bringing me to CTS you have let me develop my gifts in new and fuller ways. You have been there all the time working in my life when I did not know your name nor recognize the significance of what you were doing.

I am persuaded that today you are at work in me. You are doing something through this new experience of the Network, you are in the calling of a group to write the JESUS book and in the printing of this for the men who are not in print. You are in my desire to sponsor, host, make known these men who have gifts for ministry but cannot and do not know how to promote themselves. You are here with me, Gray, and Tom and this is also part of the vision and the work you have called me to.

October 22, 1994

As I travel home today from Portland, Oregon I am deeply encouraged with what I have experienced with the ministers and laity of the NW. I believe there is hope for the church coming out of the Northwest. Most unchurched and missionary territory in the U. S. is in the NW. If we are moving into a missionary situation, then we can learn from them as the forerunner for the remainder of the nation.

Of all the places that I have presented my message about the stateof the church, this group of persons was most receptive. I do not know what that means -- maybe I am to do more work in the NW. Maybe they are to spearhead the way into the future and I am to be with them and work with them. Maybe this new seminary idea is worth working on and listening to. I wish to encourage it and support it.

I am especially impressed with the calibre of the young men in the NW. They were so open, so eager, sowilling to listen to me. In some ways they think I am a church guru but even beyond that, they seemed so hungry and open to the Spirit. I wish that I could find a way to support and encourage them in their prayer, their care for themselves, the building up of the family.

I wonder if all these ideas are coming to me because there is something in the North West in my future. I wonder if I should write a letter to all these young men who seem so open and willing to learn and grow. Or, should I tell Mark and Jim about my perceptions.

O, God I do not know why these things are coming to me at this time and on this trip but that is no my business to know why but to follow on with you. It would be strange and wonderful and amazing if you were indeed to bring me out here and let me have a ministry of sorts with these children of yours.

If I came here I would wish to call together the young men. Witworth would be a place to do that. I believe that ou might open these men and women up to the movement of your Spirit in fresh ways. I would like to pray with them, support them, and encourage them to move beyond the borders of their lives.

Risk is real. But I believe they would take the chaallenge to move beyond the bounds of safety and trust you. Thank you for these insights and I will file them away in my heart for your future use. ]

Hallowed be your name.

Spiritually, I seem to have been given grace. I was tired. I slept little last night. But today I feel refreshed. I am grateful to be at the end of a long schedule of action -- travel, speaking, and leading workshops.

I felt very high on the new seminary yesterday. I do not think that this is something that I need to worry about, be part of etc. These fellows have this well under control. They are doing the right things in the right way. Jim Singleton is a person of vision and know how. He is to be trusted and supported.

As I look toward this new year I hope to have more rest, some play time, and renewal of spirit in prayer.

I wish to make a list of men and churches that are doing the "renewal" in a significant way that they could be models for the future.

Mark Toone, Gig Harbor

Jim Singleton, Spokane

David Peterson, First PC Spokane

Bob Strachan, Snellville

Ray Jones, Marietta (Smyrna)

Today I was reading Carlo. He made much of the importance of the complete surrender of our wills to the will of God. Abandonment. Thanks be to your name O God for letting me participate in your vision and your kingdom. I do not need to be great. I do not need to possess much but I do need to be obedient to you. I pledge this to you this day, Dear God.

October 23, 1994

Saturday

I awoke today with a vsion in my mind that I wish to set down because these waking visions often are carriers of the Spirit. It is about the new dimensions that I am exploring in writing and doing the work of evangelism. Here is what I was thinking when I awoke:

1. To publish "95" theses at CTS Press.
2. To get Dean to make a one time gift and for publicizing this book.
3. To converse with George, Walter, Jim, Doug and maybe Catherine about this being a book that would lead us into the 21st century.
4. Go to Spring Arbor Books and tell them that we are spending $10,000 on advertising this book and that we want them to help us put it in Christian book stores across the nation.
5. If this book does what I think it could or would do, then it would put CTS Press on the map, it would point persons to CTS, and it would be one of the indicators that CTS is the Center to turn to for the renewal of the Church at the dawn of a new missionary age.
6. If this effort attracts substantial attenton, then I would publish NEW DAY, NEW CHURCH / "Strategies for Change & Evangelism" and push it hard behind this effort.
7. Already I have a group meeting to talk about publishing "tracts" on Jesus because as we enter into a new age, the issue of Jesus will be the most critical issue that the church faces. With the other promotion giving CTS attention, we would be ready to follow that with these smaller booklets. And perhaps there would be some help from Walter in this area in writing a more popular booklet like the one on the Spirit.
8. These moves would help to bring about the focus on CTS as a center for the renewal and transformation of the Church at the Dawn of the New Age. If this is to happen, we must have a publishing arm to make the vision and passion accessible to individuals and the church.
9. This book should then be distributed thrhough Spring Arbor like many of the other publishers. Whether they wuld take one book is important but I wuld like to try them and tell hem that we are going to spend quite a bit of money to make this work.

I have been thinking today about the conversation that I had with Louise H. at lunch in Portland. She is connected with the University Church in Seattle, unmarrried, and interested in cross-cultural spirituality. She is interested in coming her to study with us at CTS.

She asked the most penetrating questions about my own journey. I spoke with her about You moving into me, about the promise of Presence that surrounds my consciousness like a sphere, and the words of assurance that it is your intention to use me in your work. She seemed to know intuitively what I was talking about, there was a witness of the Spirit between us that seemed to be of you.

I wonder what that is about for the future.

Then, as I look back upon the visit to the NW and as I talk about it with Nan, he things that I wrote yesterday seem very relevant and perhaps a part of your work in preparing me for the future in my rerlation.

Today as I was thinking about these things I felt the kind of energy and excitement that came to me when I was in P C Alabama and dreaming about the Lay Witness Mission. It was as though I had gone back in time more than 30 years when the vision of a new day in the church came to me.

But on the heels of that revelation, it also came to me that I could be so easily swept along by the Devil for if he could get me to focus on the importance of my role in the renewal of the church, how grea I would be, and what adulation would come to me, I could be sufficiently distracted from the work of the Spirit as to be of no consequence.

Set a guard over me, Lord. You are always before my face. You are at my right hand that I should not be moved. You will show me the ways of life and in your presence is fulness of joy. So, I will abide in your presence and keep my mind and heart open to you.

It is your will done on earth. It is your kingdom coming that is important. Thanks be to you O Christ for your presence and the work of your Spirit.

I thank you today for the encouragement that you give. I believe that these are the best and the most important days of my life! To grow older and to have these things come to me, to know something about the false trails of the enemy, to truly want you will and your kingdom, to notice things that happen when they are happening or shortly thereafter makes it wonderful to be part of your kingdom. Bless the Lord, O my Soul and all that is within me bless His Holy Name!

Sunday, October 23, 1994

In thinking about the decision to publish "95" it occurs to me that some of the colleagues may not think that this is a good idea, that it is too self-serving and not truly for the good of the Seminary.

I suppose that I would like to have one book that got good treatment and had the exposure that I think it deserves. This one seems to be that book but who knows? I am willing to abide by the decision of the leadership. If they do not think this a good idea, then I have no energy for it.

Dear God.

Thank you for the mercy that has been shown me recently. You have given me the energy to do al the things that were on my schedule. I have survived. But more than mere survival, I have felt that you were very much part of what I was doing and saying. Several persons have used he world "anointing" recently.

I have felt the anointing but I would not want to say that. I do not believe it is the place of the anointed to claim this relationship.

Hallowed be your name.