Sunday, February 05, 2006

For the past two weeks I have been feeling somewhat disconnected. I don't understand what is going on in my psyche, why the feelings of disorientation, lack of balance, and weariness seem to cover over me during the ay. I have wondered if my heart is running down or if I am taking medication that is conflicting with other medication or if there are old demons seeking to reappear in my consciousness. I am stunned and have a numbness of brain when I try to think about these different possible sources.

This disorientation or inner disturbance seemed to begin about two weeks ago when I went to Kerrville, Texas to celebration 60o years of marriage with Burley and Frances Burleson. I was eager to see folks that I had not seen for years: Will Taegel and George and Barbara Brightwell and to renew the heart. Early on in the party I had time with George and Barbara and waited with anticipation to see Will. (Will is the current name and in years past, he has gone by William and when I first met him, he was Bill.) Will had been delayed because of a workshop that he and Judith, his wife, were giving that day. Finally he appeared with a long, gray head of hair, counter-culture clothes and a broad smile.

I didn't have time to talk much with Will at the reception, but he and Judith went out to Burley's and we sat side by side for an hour or so. During the course of conversation he and I had difficulty speaking personally because Burley was high over the crowd and wanted to inject some of the stuff from our previous Lay Witness days. It was his party and he had the perfect right to do so. So intermittently Will and I had a chance to speak. Will spoke about mentoring a high school football player, attending his games and living life in Wimberley, a small town outside Austin. He spoke casually about visiting groups of spiritual people across the US and a bit about his involvement. Will's words were soft and gentle, always confident and self-assured. He wanted to know what I was writing and where my interests were. We shared but not on a deep level.

After being with Will for a couple of hours I began to have some old feelings. First, I felt inwardly shaken, like I have in the past. In part this included a realization that Will is so bright and insightful and on the frontier; I felt my usual feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. I had felt that many times with Will, even from the first time that I met him, I felt second-rate and here those feelings came pouring in again. I was not overwhelmed by the feelings but I did feel a bit off-center, alone and slightly fearful.

On the way back to San Antonio I felt more deeply my loss of Will. In 1964 and 1965 he had opened a branch of ICR in Houston, he had even thought of moving to Atlanta to work with me, but that never worked out. In those days we were close, shared so much of our lives together and spent time on the movement. When Will married Judith in San Anselmo, he asked me to do the ceremony. Nan and I with all the kids drove to CA to participate in his wedding.

In the intervening years between these periods of closeness and my seeing Will again at Burley's, we had drifted apart. Will had dropped out of pastoral ministry, entered counseling and became a psychotherapist and developed a good practice. He drank deeply of Native American spirituality and did sweat lodges and vision quests and other practices stemming from this new source. I felt a great lost when our lives drifted apart. We talked about it several times and it seemed to be the only way that our lives could have gone.

But on the way back to San Antonio I felt the grief of losing my relationship with Will. The grief only added to the feeling of inferiority and disorientation. I guess today I am wondering if that is part of my feelings today.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Last week I gave a lunch for David Addis. He has been offered a job with Fetzer and he is so thrilled about the opportunity to join science and spirituality. He is a devout man who has been growing during the last 5 years. On a lark he applied for a job at Fetzer and got hired. He will be moving there in the summer and pursuing a vocation in spiritual and physical research.

I invited Jane Hubbard who had been in or the original conversation before he went for an interview. We had both said that the call seemed to have the marks of God on it. When the interviewed him, the director called back and told him that they wanted him to come.

Jane and I listened to the whole story of the trip up, the interview, the conversations, his feelings about the task and the opportunity and the issues with Laura, his daughter, and his estranged wife. We bumped glasses as we rejoiced with him and gave God thanks and praise.

People need others to celebrate good things in their lives!

A couple of days ago I was walking and when I turned the corner into my dead end route, it came to me suddenly. I am realizing my life through you. You are part of my unfolding history on earth. What is. Just what is, is an unfolding of the presence and intention of God. I don'know how evil fits into this or how a Good God can allow pain and evil, but I do believe today that life, real, ordinary everyday life is an unfolding of the divine. I, and everything I touch, smell and see are also part of it. And add to this all that occurs in the world is a part and the things that we cannot see and do not realize are equally part of the divine showing and unfolding. To be a contemplative is to be attuned to the reality around me, not in some esoteric way, not in a pious layering of God on everything, but simply noticing and seeing that what is, is God’s presence and unfolding.

For the 4^th or 5^th time I am reading the Cloud of Unknowing. I think that I want to put it on power point as I read it both to prepare to speak about it and to help me get it fixed in my mind better.

I am astounded how reading the first two years of my journal caused me realize that since I was 18 years old, I have been a contemplative. Though I did not know how to proceed and though I invest lots of effort in thinking about God all day, I did not know how to relax into God, how to let go of images and thoughts about the Divine, still God was there with me and guiding me. Here at the end of life, it has come back to me with a great deal of strength. God wants me. God wants me to be open, committed and willing for Him to be God in me.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A persistent question that comes to me is "how do I experience God in contemplation?" I don't think God or fellowship in the dialogical sense with God, so how do I know or even believe that anything is going on when I am in silence before God?

Today, I asked that question and I believe that I was spoken to.

You experience me in just what is. Do not look for me as some objective presence outside yourself to whom you turn and with whom you converse, but rather be aware of what is and you will be experiencing me in the ‚Äúis-ness of things‚Äô. When you sit inn the silence, notice what is going on in your body, in the stillness of your mind, in the space between you and material things and you will experience me. I am in whatever is and this means that I am in you ‚Äì you are. And when you experience me in your consciousness of ‚òjust what is‚Äô you will also experience me in all things beyond yourself‚ îin the chair, the room, the light, the slight sounds that come in a creaking room. Beyond this, what is ‚Äòis‚Äô -- trees, clouds, mountains, the sea and all that is in it and so on and on ‚Äì I am in all these and when you experience them, you experience me also.

What is true for your moments of contemplation is equally true of your life. Throughout the day when you become aware of the moment, the present moment and begin to notice what is, you will be noticing me in my hiddenness. I am hidden in every aspect of my creation and of your life, every aspect of that, to.

Recall the day that you had a vision of the beginning of time! What you saw was time arising and manifesting itself out of the abyss of nonbeing. That vision is also the reality that manifests itself in every moment reality is constantly rising, enduring a moment and then passing away. Notice it!