January 11, 1995

This is my first entry for this New Year. There are a number of entries that I need to make:

The Professor of Spirituality. Over one year ago Dean offered to pay my salary for as long as I am at Columbia Seminary if they wised to make me the professor of Christian Spirituality. Doug and I did not believe the faculty would ever approve it. So we began to think how we should move. We gathered Catherine, Erskine, Walter, the dean, Doug and I to talk about the strategy. They believed that I should have an associate who might become the professor of evangelism. I was ok on this and so was Dean.

Then, the dean added that a 3rd option would work better, an assistant in evangelism to free me to do the things that I wanted to do in spirituality. I agreed to this and began to think in these terms. The executive committee of the faculty agreed that I should have an assistant. And they decided to recommend this to the faculty.

Between this decision and it actually occurring, Brian Childs reacted pretty violently in the faculty meeting that the exe com was making decisions about Ramey's position that rightfully belonged to the Area. With this explosion the exe com decided that they had better send the proposal about spty to the area.

In the area meeting Lucy Rose asked me to spin out scenarios of each of the three options: Prof. of Spty, An associate in Ev, and an assistant. When I finished, John Patton said, "It is obvious to me that you should be the Professor of Christian Spirituality." There was a great deal of conversation, sharing, tears, and prayer. That evening the area hugged each other before we left. A first.

Still, this had to be brought to the faculty. The Area voted unanimously to recommend to the faculty that I be made the prof. of spty. This was the first time in history that the area had ever voted for me in anything. Strange Providence!

On the way home from the meeting the Spirit said, "Did you not hear me in the desert 7 years ago? I guided you to become the Prof. in Chr. Spty. And two weeks ago did you not surrender this to me in helplessness? Am I not able to fulfill my will for you?"

Joy and Ecstasy filled my mind and heart as I drove home. Nan, who had been cool to the idea of my resigning from the endowed chair of evangelism, listened to the story. She joined me in celebration. In these events she saw the hand of the Lord just as I did.

Next month in December at the faculty meeting (called) the issue of my appointment got on the floor. David asked me to share my vision. I spoke much as I had in the Area. George Stroup said, "I don't mean for this to be personal, Ben, but what if I got funding to teach Hinduism, and coerced the area to ask for my appointment, should I be able to do this?" At once, members of the area came to my rescue. He did not coerce us. This is our decision. Jeannie Moessner spoke with passion about the need for this form of ministry in the seminary.

I was asked to leave. The faculty voted unanimously for me to become the professor of spirituality. I was elated and overwhelmed.

Calling for this New Year! What am I to do with my life during 1995? I know that there are many appointments already on the schedule. I will be speaking, leading workshops, guiding persons on the Spiritual Journey, and writing. Maybe it would be good if you would walk with me through this new year and impress upon my mind and heart the things that you want me to be engaged in.

January -- Israel trip with ministers. I pray that you will prepare all of us for this experience. Open our minds and hearts to you Spirit. Let us feel your presence in the land where the faith was born and where those ancient folk walked with you and learned your ways.

Before leaving for Israel next Monday, I want to have finished editing 4 chapters of the new book -- NEW DAY/NEW CHURCH.

I also want to be prepared for this trip by your spirit.

February -- I will return from Israel and fly to Banner Elk. I pray that you will make me ready for this experience with the church from Kingsport.

The appointment with Dr. Egvatovich from John Knox Westminster will be during the second week. This is an important part of the future of our work at CTS. Grant your Spirit and guidance.

Then, I will be going to Southern University in Oklahoma City to teach for 4 days. Prepare me to work with these ministers who will be coming there for spiritual nurture and for skill development in sharing the faith.

I also go to Hershey Pennsylvania. Make me ready for this event. May you guide me in what I am to say and do in this meeting.

Indianapolis is next. They have been looking forward to this event for a long time. Prepare them and me.

March -- I hope to have finished both NEW DAY and 95 THESES by this time. By June I want to market these with Walter and Bob's books.

In this endeavor to create an image for the Seminary that we are on the cutting edge of the new movement of your Spirit, I ask you guidance in building a community at CTS and showing me how to work in a community and to be supportative.

June -- I wish to redesign the course for those who are coming into the seminary next year. I also want to have a female assistant or co-teacher. Julie Johnson is a possibility or Martha Jane or Joan Gray. My thought is to have multiple layers of learning -- like prayer//reflection on life/scripture so that all these dimensions are combined in exercises. But I would like to have a rough design of this course by June and time to reflect, gather material, etc. by September of 95.

June, July, August I plan to travel to Portugal, Ireland, and Russia with stops in Estonia or Latvia and London. This is time that I hope to be free.

I may try to negotiate with George not to teach the July course. But really I need to do this for my own benefit if not for the students.

September -- begin class with New Students. Begin preparing for the Core Seminar in November. Make contact with ITC and the person there who is interested in Spirituality.

October -- Spiritual discernment week. I wish to reserve rooms at CTS for a number of weeks this next year.

November -- the core seminar for the D. Min in Spty.

December -- Go to New York!

Intuitions about the New Year. "What do you want for me in this New Year?"

Be content with my call upon your life. I have chosen you from the beginning to be in the family. You have been given the gifts that you need to do the work that I wish you to do. Fret not yourself because you lack the disciplines, the looks, the knowledge, and the experience of many others. All you life has been prologue for this moment in time and you will be ready for what I choose for you to do.

 Pay attention to what I am trying to teach you about my presence. As I have said to you during this past year, "I am in you. My spirit is nearer to you than you are aware, even in your sharpest moments of awareness you do not recognize how near I am to you." Learn to relax, to trust that I am at work in your, in your searching, in your finding, in your dreaming. Notice. You see you have gifts that others do not have. Be content with your own gifts. Whether you are aware of it or not, your gifts are considerable. Others see them more clearly than you do.

 Try to remember me during this year! I am with you whatever happens to you. I will be in it with you to make good come out of it.

 What you began to think about faith is right. Faith is different from knowledge. Faith stands before the Mystery of my Presence, it looks but does not see, it reaches but does not touch, it receives strength but without holding on to it. Knowledge defines, grasps, controls, and sometimes manipulates. So you see it is impossible for you to have knowledge in this sense. Your knowledge about me never crosses the line and grasps me, takes hold of me, possesses me. Faith can cross that line not with a grasping hand but with openness to the movement of truth and reality, receptivity to intuition and impression as it stands in the presence of the Holy.

Let go! Rest in me. Even when you do not feel my presence, rest. When you are weary, tired, longing or in pain, rest in me. I will not forsake you in life or in death.

There is more beyond this life than you have ever imagined. You have struggled with the threat of death as every young person ought to but as you grow older the other world will become increasingly real; you will one day step behind the screen and enter into the joy and delight of my presence. Eternity will not threaten you; you will be part of the great eternal power and presence of my Spirit. When the time draws nearer your vision will become clearer but for now you have much work to do in my Kingdom. All your years have prepared you for this time in your work for me.

THE TANTUR JOURNAL

About 9:30 Tom Stransky took us to the roof and showed us the layout of the area. To the East is Jerusalem; to the West, Bethlehem and beyond the city the Judean hills which roll on and on toward the West.

Beyond the valley is the Mount of Moab and we could see Nebo from which Moses viewed the promised land.

The character of the land is that of layers and layers of history and tradition. Example: when you call it a land of milk and honey, you say it is a land of cows and bees, but you say more, it is a land of grass and flowers that bloom, but you say more, it is a land of water because without water none of this comes about.

All the sense are used in Eastern Theology -- smell, taste, groans and sighs. Much is given to the imagination. Ex. When you go to Bethlehem you will see the place that Mary had her last drink, Tantur where she had her first birth pangs, etc. Because this had to happen and they needed a place for it to happen. In like fashion all holy things happen on the mountain, not down in the valley.

Jerome said, “The land is the 5th Gospel.” It has a message of its own to proclaim and you cannot really understand the other messages if you do not know the message of the land.

Certain groups are always cared for in the land -- widows, orphans, strangers who is a god-figure and those without water are cared for. If you have water you must share it with the stranger, a cup of cold water in my name. To have water, living water, and not give it is a double sin.

WATER there are several kinds of water. Cistern water, living water, poisoned water -- if you wish to get rid of a people just poison the water. But even invading armies were kind enough to leave the water.

Israel today....mitsvah is a commandment. Two times each year the people plant trees to restore the creation. This past year 1/8 of the population of Israel planted the tree, got the dirt under their finger nail. Amazing that 5,000,000 persons would participate in the ritual.

The cook has 11 children. A Muslim but he will not cook or touch a plate that has had ham on it. Had some the first night but he had nothing to do with it. Has a small house but it is clean and he is proud and would host you with enormous hospitality.

In Gaza there was lots of graffiti on the wall. When the peace was signed, they began to take down the graffiti because they did not need it any more to remind them of their hatred of Israel. The graffiti was not for Israel who never saw it but for them to be reminded of their hatred.

TANTUR means “hill top” and is located between Jerusalem and Bethlehem has a Roman cistern dates about 100, other Roman ruins. There were once 7 large monasteries between J and Beth and Tantur was doubtless one of them. When the Crusaders came in about 1098 they built a hospital here. These lay people who came to work in the hospital were like missionaries to the land, some even stayed with European Names today. From 1187 the land was controlled by the Turks. The head was known as “the bad breath of the dying man on the Bosphorus.”

At Tantur you have the opportunity to live as a minority in the midst of two dominant religious both of which believe in one God who reveals himself through a book.

Tom said, “Jerusalem is the Mother Church and is the mother of us all; we are sitting here today because they took Jesus seriously.”

ICONS lead you into the presence of God. There is a special celebration of the Armenian Church with the Patriarch in town. Today they are celebrating Christmas and will have a 24 hour liturgy. Someone said, “Don’t you get bored with a 24 hr. liturgy?” What difference does that matter, you praise God whether you are bored or not. What has being bored got to do with praising God?

Some of the people think that all the talk about reconciliation and peace is a way of softening them up so that they will feel that “it doesn’t matter any more.” What is it we do to people to convince them that their deeply held convictions do not matter any more?:

Think about sending two or three students here to get their heads corrected before we send them out into the parish. There is a special program of 3 weeks in the Summer to which we could send them.

Lecture on Bible History

Perception is everything. Memory, imagination, and images clutter history and distort it according to the viewer and the one who remembers.

1. People with a Memory in this Land

Memory is about the past; imagination is about the future. In Israel memory has consumed the future and has eaten away at the present so that people are bound by the past. This applies to many other situations like the PCUSA.

2. Centuries coexist. Time is not linear, it is all together; it works along side the other centuries. Like yesterday, last week, an hour ago.

3. Whoever controls memory controls history. Take away the memory and you destroy the power of a people.

“The truth of memory wedded to the truth of imagination is the truth that sets us free.” Stransky.

The worst thing the Israelis are doing to us is confiscating our memory.” Palestinians.

4. Culture has known no exorcisms -- no reformation, enlightenment, industrial revolution, no counter-reformation.

No split between faith and life.

Have a sense of God’s presence in all of life.

Too much religion and not enough faith. They, often demonize the enemy.

Golda Meir, “If we are God’s chosen people whey did we not have oil under the sand?”

5. Every nation has an inferiority complex. Jews feel like a minority in that they have fought and won 6 wars and failed to win the peace; can’t afford to lose one war if they want to be around; not a majority in 2,000 years. won the wars but never the peace.

Palestinians are even looked down upon by the other Arabs. Palestinians feel they are having an identity forced upon them.

Arabs say they are not loved for who they are but for what they have got - oil.

Christians are objects of curiosity. Between 350-650 perhaps Xians were in the majority.

***Lived and survived because of their faith. These Christians had a mission to survive and they have!!

6. Any proposal for peace must include:

a. Must have agreement on a common history.

b. Religion must be taken seriously by the peace makers.

c. Understanding of pluralism, living with those with whom you disagree without trying to kill them.

 

(All the invaders who have come to this Land have done so to protect matters elsewhere.)

Other matters in the Land of Israel:

1. After the Council of Chalcedon Western Christianity left the East to develop there own liturgy and theology. They did and it is very different. They had the 18 sermons in the book of Acts and this is what they faith is like today.

2. Pages in the Christian Text that were not written:

a. Exclusion of the Jews from communities in Israel

b. Invasion of the Crusades

c. Expulsion of the Jews from Spain (1492) by queen Isabella

d. The Targums in Russia

e. Holocaust.

These pages were left out of Xian history and thus we are blind to much of the evil we have perpetuated upon the Jews and others.

3. In 1917 there were no nations in the Middle East, just kingdoms. Nations are contrary to the Koran that claims One God Allah, and that all peoples are to be one.

(There is a great deal more in the Tantur Journal.)

March 6, 1995

Some new things are happening to me in my relatlionship with God. I have noticed that the cloud of Unknowing hangs over my head. I seem to be knowing the presence of God but not with my mind. It is clear to me that if I begin to know God with my mind, that is, if I hold a concept of God in my mind, the concept itself serves as a partial barrier to knowing God, godself.

This is true in relationships. If I am with another person and hold an image of them, I must choose whether to relate to the image that I am holding or to relate to the real person. In this relationship with a person, I can nevver get inside the other and know them as they really are. I will always have images of them and data from intuitions and interpretations of their words. Is it true that I can know God in some other way that includes getting past God’s effects?

The Cloud indicates that by encountering God in love that a relationship is establisshed that is deeper than rational knowing, a union with God in love. This union cannot be by works, human effort of any kind but through the grace of God. God chooses to permit some of his children to enter the cloud and to come into a relationship of union with godself.

Love in the sense of union is not an emotion but an intention. Awareness, interest and intention drive us toward this loving God. I do not know for sure where this interest comes from. At first it seems like it is a part of our self but then it often seems like a gift that God has given to us. We can at best let it be, listen to it and respond to this inward interest in the Holy.

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In recent days I have noted a change in dealing with temptation. It seems that I have been much more aleart to the temptations that come to me. Like a thought of lust that enters my mind, I seem to see it coming Often I am able to intercept this thought and turn it another way or become neutral to the thught rather than responding to it. I am far from perfect in this regard but it does happen with more regularity than in the past.

---

My text for the morning was James 1 “Count it all joy when you fall into testings -- I seemed to see that testing was a atesting of my faith. Do I believe that God is, that God hears and cares. Every temptation is a test of this primal conviction about You.

I have wanted to get to a place that the union was perfect, the attention was constant toward you. But that is not a possibility (?) on this side of ultimate union with the Real in your presence.

So when I am tested by anything, I am to endure the temptation. There must be ways of enduring -- resistance, distraction, holding on, neutralizing the thought or intention. Endurance can be keeping a steady gaze at the loving God.

This kind of persistent endurance will produce maturity. Maturity suggests that I will learn all the schemes of the devil, that I will note them early on and know how to take them on and resist them in confidence that God is with me.

This whole process is one of building faith. Faith matures under this kind of testing and this patient endurance.

MAY 7, 1995

Linda Boland, Susong Road, Conyers, Ga 404-760-1675

AT THE MONASTERY OF THE HOLY GHOST

I am here with Mark Toone and Ron Smith who desire to pray. I am here because months ago I put this time on my Calendar to spend time with YOU thinking about the work in spty at CTS. I do not know what you have in mind for me during this time. I know that I have some questions, fears, and feelings of inadequacy and ambiguity about being a professor of spirituality. You know these things about me and that they are not paralyzing but they are the stuff out of which I will commune with you.

I think that you have already begun to speak to me through Brother Carlo, (he being dead still speaks, and speaks so clearly and loudly to me.).

And yet it is so difficult to have genuine faith in jGod’s action in the affairs of the world. To refuse to believe it is one of the gravest temptations to which we are subjected on this earth.” (Letters p. 20)

It is hard to have a genuine faith in your action in the affairs of the world, in the daily happenings. Your presence is so hidden in the ordinariness of things, the sequence of meeting, speaking, and passing on or it is hidden in the voice of tghe news caster by the way he sees events and spells them out. In my daily life and in his we so often do not see you at work, we are lost in our own little worlds and do not look beyond them.

To refuse to believe, to think that we are here alone is a grave temptation, a serious temptations that removes you from our daily life to be met on special occasions or when you have certain whims to come to us. The gravity of the situation seems underscored by the fact that it is life in the presence or life with an absent God. Doubtless this is what you wish for me to believe, that you are indeed with me, in the events of my life, even in those that seem so void of anything sacred or creative.

Carlo says, “And so, under a strange sky, the poor life of our soul goes on, in the light of unreal faith and sentimentalism. Halfway between God and the world there is a confusion of aspirations, contradictions and compromises. The strange sky is that gray zone where we neither believe in this God who is intimately involved with our affairs or whether we think God to be absent. When this occurs and we are caught in the limbo between we have a sentimental relation with God, just half-way between God and the World and there is an enormous loss of true faith

Only God is, only God knows, only God can do anything. This is the tgruth, and with the help of my faith I discover this more deeply every day.” p. 21.

What do you mean Carlo? Do you mean that everything that is is in God? And that to know anything, to feel and experience the world is in fact to know God. Is this what you are driving at -- there is no experience that is not at once the experience of God! Perhaps.

Let me notice what you are saying to me. I do thank you for this last week, for the time that I had in Augusta, for the days to write, for the supper for Bob, for Friday with Nan, for Saturday for myself and with you in planting and growing things, and for today being with Mark again. I do ask you to be with Nan while I am away. I do not know if she is feeling OK about this or not. Give her the grace that she needs for me to be here praying this week.

Daily, I will pray that “I am here to listen to you, to let you tell me what I am to do with this newly recognized role as Professor of Spirituality.

Wednesday, May 10, 1995

The first two days at the monastery have afforded me a time to stop and quiet down. I feel this deep within my soul. I am not rushed, pushed, or harried. The routine of prayer, reading, resting, walking and fellowship with Mark and Ron has been good. We have laughed a lot. I think about the days that go by without laughter and they are dull. Days need laughter.

There have also been times of deep prayer. Last night at Vespers I had a profound sense of the Presence. The notion came to me to ask for a blessing for the work that I am about to undertake -- The Spirituality Certificate. It seemed like a good idea at the time -- to ask God to bless me, give me a sign or some surprise for the preparation of this work.

But as I began to think more deeply about this issue, I wondered. I finally came to believe that God knows what I need for this work. He knows if I need to be changed, to be encouraged with a gift of the Spirit, to be filled in a new sense or some other manifestation of the Holy that I need. So at Vigils this morning it came to me clearly that I prefer to leave that in the Lord’s hands. Do for me what you will, give to me what you know that I need, not for today but for the long run into the future.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to your loving kindness. Do for me what needs to be done. Lead me on a plain path to do your will and to service you in my acting.”

I have tried to examine my heart regarding the work of the Certificate and the visions that come to my mind. Truly, I want to do your will. I believe that you have given me gifts to conceive such a plan, advertise it, manage it and help persons to find much of what they need for ministry today. Sometime in my fantasy I get carried away by my Ego but I don’t want that to happen in this endeavor. Rather, this is part of what you have revealed to me both in the Desert of ’87 and the path upon which I have been walking. This has been very much an unfolding experience of vision and grace. I feel very much that I have been an instrument in your hand. If I had tried too hard to work out all the details of this vision, I would have been headed off at the pass by the faculty, but you in your wonder did make it happen in ways that were beyond me. Thank you for the privilege of being part of the divine plan.

Today, I hope to finish the editing of Spiritual Directives. And to review the outline for next week.

Linda Boland, Semi-Hermitess at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit.

Yesterday when I visited with Walter and Adrian they told me about this woman who had worked for CNN and had rented a house from them in order to be near the monastery. I felt an urge to meet her. This morning after the Mass I went out to meet her but I didn’t see anyone who looked like her.

Jackie told me that she belonged to Oblate and that Gus had her phone number. Gus let me use his phone to call her 760-1675 and she made time to see me this afternoon. I spent nearly 3 hours listening to her story of pain and discovery.

She is an adopted child of immigrant, Italian parentage. They were from nobility but during the depression he gambled away the money and then was on the street, destitute. The priest gave them the basement of the rectory to live.

* A visiting priest molested her when she was young. It was found out and she was sent away to boarding school. There she had strong spiritual influences.

*When she graduated she offered herself for the convent but they said that she was an illegitimate child and they could not have her as a nun. This crushed her and she left the church for 15 years.

She went away to NYC. Met her husband and they lived through a variety of pain for the next 15 years. He (Dan Boland) is an engineer for AT&T retired. Now he is consulting around the world.

At about 35 she came to the place that she could not bear her pain. One day in her home she sat down to pray. I want to know you and love you. I don’t know how to get along with your church but I do want you. In the time of the prayer the burden, anger, and resentment left and she was freed and on her way to new discoveries.

She then had to look for a church. She told the priest that she wanted to pray. He put her in with a Charismatic Prayer Group and this helped for a time but did not seem to be the thing that she was looking for. When she went back to the priest, he sent her out to the Monastery. There she met Gus who has been a faithful Spiritual Director. He has been like a father to her in talking with her and leading her.

Two or three years ago she was put with Jackie who has many of the same concerns. They have spent 2 years writing the rules for their lay apostolate. They went to the monastery for them to provide formation but the Abbot said that he felt it better they work it out for themselves. Finally, they wrote the rule, the plan, etc. and he welcomed them as an Oblate of the Monastery of the H. G.

The Oblate began with 5 members. In two years they have grown to 25. The year of their institution the Abbott at the H.S. Monastery brought them into the church, had them in the choir and announced their intention. Each too vows in the church. The brothers were invited to come and about 1/2 did. Each year they have a renewal of vows and they gather in the church to make these commitments.

Linda is a person that I would like to introduce to students.

In March of 1995 she retired from CNN where she was making $120,000 per year. She has enough in treasury bills to produce about $12,000 per year and a condo in Florida and a pension fund of $300,000. This is probably about $500,000 and 8% will give her enough to live on for a long time.

Bob is from Natchez, Miss. and he is here to discern whether it is the priesthood, monastery, or hermitage. Interesting guy who knows Matthew Covington.

September 5, 1995

In reading a psychology of Religion the author suggested that religion is born out of a state of ignorance or helplessness and that we busy ourselves in many ways to create curtains that seal us off from the abyss of terror. I wonder if in some way that I do not know I am using my search for God to deflect my anxiety about being. And, I wonder if my work is a part of that shield to keep me from thinking about my own finitude.

I am willing to face these questions and admit that it is always possible. But, “O God I believe that you have communicated with me. You have called me into the service of your purposes and I am willingly doing the things that I think, believe you wish me to do. If I am not on the track with you, it is my desire that you reveal to me where I am not fulfilling your will. I am not coming to you with some sense of guilt, nor am I working out of a defensive stance. I truly want to know you and your will for my existence.

I come to you with gratitude for many things. Beginning with this week-end at Monterey, Ca. Thnaks for a safe trip and for time with Mark and Catherine. May your blessing be supon them."

I thank you for Nan who is sitting here beside me asleep. She has been a joyous companion for me for more than 20 years. She has loved me and supported me in the dreams that you have put in my head. Thanks."

September 20, 1995

Over the week-end I have been reading Memories of God by Roberta Bondi. She not only sought to theologize her life in this autobiography but she spoke of confidence in herself and her own way of doing theology and spirituality. I was deeply impressed with her courage.

Then, she spoke of the kindness of God and the risk of changing images. This again spoke to the issue with which YOU have been dealing with me for the last year. You keep telling me to trust you, to believe that you do love me and take delight in me. Even when I read Ps. 147 and hear you say that you desire, take delight in your people, I find it hard to believe.

But yesterday I spoke in chapel. I used the material from Roberta. She made me face again the fact that I have not really believed that you take pleasure in and delight in me. For some reason, perhaps Grace, I came to begin ever so slightly believing that you were taking pleasure in my love for you, my life, and the work that I do

Immediately, the temptation came to me. How will you explain this when some tragedy comes in your life. Will you keep on believing it then? Won’t you feel like a fool having trusted God to be good when it did not turn out that way?

For the first time I noted this as an assault of the Enemy. I chose to press past this distraction and believe God anyway. I decided that when the test comes to me, I will deal with it then but in the time between now and then I will celebrate the goodness of the Lord. Quick came the assault -- “Then expect God to send some calamity upon you now to test the sincerity.” (Another lie that I choose not to believe.)

What a JOY to wake up today with the sense of delight from the Lord! Hallelujah. Thanks be to God.